So far so queer - adventures in gender diverse parenting

Queer 1. adj. strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different; singular: a queer notion of justice.

Of all of the terms that have been used to describe us LGBT folk, queer is the one that makes the most sense to me.  It is the most accurate and the most inclusive.  Inclusive because all it means is different, different from the conventional viewpoint.  In my estimation, queer includes anyone whose sexual and/or gender identity or expression is at odds with what is expected of them by mainstream society.

Throughout my own childhood I was always different.  It wasn’t until recently that I realized to what extent my queerness was a part of that.  When I came out to myself as bi it was such a relief.  It was like I knew I belonged in the queer community but I didn’t know why until I came out.  But it’s not just my sexuality that makes me queer.  It’s also my gender expression.

I’m not femme but I’m not butch.  I didn’t fit in with the other girls but I was never a tomboy.  While my gender identity falls within the binary, my gender expression does not.  My queerness has always been as much a matter of my queer understanding of gender as it has been of my sexual attractions.  So as I raise my daughter the issues of gender and gender expression play a significant role in how I shape and understand the world in which she lives.

With that in mind I bring you this post.

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I’ve blogged [here and here] before about the ways in which I practice gender diverse parenting.  Today I’m going to focus on my kid.  While reading “Pink Brain Blue Brain” I found myself thinking about Mae and comparing her to the gender typical behaviour that has been documented over the years.  I did this largely to figure out how much I should employ Eliot’s suggestions for narrowing the gender gap. I also, however, was interested in the ways in which she doesn’t fit the gendered expectations of our culture. Basically I wanted to know, how queer is my kid?

So here’s my summary of the bits that stuck out for me:

1 - Girls tend to have better fine motor control at a younger age.
Eliot attributes this to the kind of play girls usually engage in, drawing, dressing small dolls etc.  This is absolutely true of Mae, her fine motor control is excellent for her age, due in no small part to the countless hours she has spent drawing and playing with playmobil sets.

2 - Girls develop language sooner and are better able to express themselves with words.  They also speak more clearly.
Although girls, on average, start speaking a month earlier than boys this is not enough to account for the big differences in language skills observed as they get older.  Eliot discusses research that found that around the age of two (right when language starts to pick up) parents tend to talk to girls significantly more than they talk to boys.  Other research has found that the best thing for language development is being immersed in language.

Mae has definitely been immersed in language.  People used to think I was talking to them as I walked down the street talking to the baby in the stroller.  While Mae’s language development has been very good, - she’s got quite the vocabulary and a pretty firm grasp of syntax and grammar - her speech is not as clear as that of many kids her age.  Her L’s sound like W’s or Y’s and her R’s all sound like W’s.  She’s improved since last summer when her S’s all sounded like D’s but I still have to translate for people fairly often and back in the fall her teacher discussed the possibility of speech therapy with me. So as far as this “gendered trait” I’d say it’s a little yes and a little no.

3 – Girls have less developed visuo-spatial skills such as spatial rotation, and pattern recognition.
Eliot makes a good argument for the role played by physical activity levels and sports in this sex difference.  There are well-documented differences in activity levels between boys and girls, this has been found to be associated with prenatal androgens and therefore one of the few inborn differences.  The interesting part is how this heightened activity, and how we respond to it, can result in other sex differences that are given so much press.

Eliot makes the point that many of the physical activities in which boys engage (running, jumping, throwing, aiming) train their brains to have a better understanding of how objects move through space.  In other words, better visuo-spatial skills.  The reason these visuo-spatial skills are so important is that they are very clearly tied to math and science skills (physics in particular).

Another type of activity that develops these skills is building with blocks and putting together puzzles.  This is where Mae comes in.  She is not unusually active compared to other girls.  While she does love to run and jump and climb she’s actually unusual in her ability to sit still and focus on drawing or listening to music.  She does, however love to play with building blocks and lego and she’s also quite good at puzzles and mazes.

4 – Girls are more attracted to babies and nurture play.
Well, yes and no.  Eliot points out that up until the age of two or three, boys and girls are equally attracted to real babies and in the first year or so they both like dolls equally.  So while there is a difference, there’s little evidence that it’s “hardwired” from birth.

Mae has occasionally picked up a baby doll when she was around 3 but has always spent more time building and drawing and never asked to have one at home.  Her response to real babies has always been a mixture of indifference and concern over the safety of her toys. Overall, this is a feminine behaviour that has not manifested in my lovely one.

5 – Between the ages of 3 and 5 boys and girls become fixated on gender.  They start identifying clearly that “this is for boys and that is for girls” and they take it very seriously.
The common wisdom is that around this age kids still haven’t fully grasped that their sex is fixed.  That is, they still believe that their “boyness” or “girlness” is defined by their clothes or toys – and thus subject to change -  rather than by their genitals.  For this reason they become the most vocal gender police and fixate on asserting their gender – and monitoring that of others – much more so than at any other time of life.

Mae is four and a half and she still does not think in terms of boy/girl.  She never says “that’s just for girls” or “I don’t like boys”.  She likes boys and girls equally well in her class and she’s often the only girl in her class invited to a boy’s birthday party.  A lot of this, I think, can be attributed to the fact that she doesn’t watch TV or Disney movies.  There is also, of course, the fact of who her parents are.  While I may be the one who talks about feelings and does all the cooking, Howard is the one who bathes her and puts her to bed at night.  And while Howard does a lot of running and active play with her, I’m the one who gets into all the horseplay.

Queering the family tree

As I look over these points I can’t help but think what a bad job I’ve done of describing Mae’s queerness.  So let me instead give you some brief anecdotes.

The other morning she put on her Wolverine T-shirt (she’s really into superheroes right now) and came downstairs growling and baring her teeth.  Next thing I know she’s playing with her purse only to start sword fighting with her dad.

When she plays games with a mommy and a daddy they are never about the relationship between the two, only about how the parents play with the kid.

Her current career goals are bus driver, lifeguard, singer in a punk band and mommy, all at the same time.

Her first career goal was construction worker.

She has never once talked about marriage or weddings except for the one time when she played a game in which she got married to two of her stuffed animals in a polygamist bisexual ceremony.  Did I mention she was a king in a dress for that wedding? That might be the queerest wedding ever!

All of these sex differences outlined by Eliot are based on averages. There is far more variability within the sexes than there is between them.  While it may be true that the average girl has better fine motor control than the average boy that tells you nothing about any individual boy or girl because they could lie anywhere on the curve. That being said, I do see some noticeable differences between Mae and many of the girls on the playground.  It is clear that she paints outside the lines and if I’m going to be the best parent I can be I need to recognize her “queerness” and nurture her in all of her interests and quirks.

Source: Eliot, Lise. Pink Brain Blue Brain, p. 12

So why did I write this post? I guess I wanted to share something of my experience with gender diverse parenting and a somewhat gender independent kid.

I know that she may face challenges.  I know that she may get bullied for being “weird”.  But I also know that she will survive all of that.  And I know that she will be equipped with a wide range of skills and strengths that will take her wherever she wants to go in life.  My job is to give her the foundation of support and confidence that she will need to face whatever challenges may come her way.

Resources:
Gender Independent play group
Gender Independent Children & Family Support Survey (519 community centre, Toronto)
10 Myths about gender neutral parenting (Raising my boychick)
Gender Spectrum

So tell me, what are your experiences with gender diverse parenting or gender independent kids?