An open letter to a friend (and to all survivors)

I wrote this letter for my friend. Although the word friend doesn’t seem to adequately capture our relationship.  I was going to email it to him but I realized that there’s a lot in here that I’d like to send out to all of the survivors out there. So here it is, this one’s for Ex-skittles

I want you to know how strong you are. Since I’ve known you, you have been fighting. For equality, for peace and for yourself. Whenever more shit has come down the pipeline you have done whatever you could to keep going. Sometimes we can get caught up in that feeling that we’ve quit so many things or we haven’t been able to settle or focus on one path but the truth is that you and I have both been focused. We have focused on being better.  We have shown so much strength and commitment to making our lives, our hearts and our minds better.

From the outside it may look like we’ve jumped around from city to city, from job to job, from path to path. But we know, deep down we know, that despite the haranguing of those depression induced self-doubts, we have fought - and will continue to fight - with unwavering conviction, for our own wellness.  The strength and focus that this takes is invisible to the outside world, and often even we forget just how much it takes to keep fighting.

We are a contradiction. On one hand we are unusually open about our past histories and struggles, on the other hand we have erected our own walls to keep out the hurt, to hide our vulnerability.  When it gets really bad we start to forget the difference between who we are and the depression with which we are afflicted.

Always remember, I know you. I know who you really are, and you are beautiful. You stand out from the crowd with a heart full of hope and love and unending compassion. You are strong and brave and funny as hell. I knew all of this when you were sixteen and I know it now. I will always be by your side and I will never lose my faith in you and your ability to keep fighting.

Forty years from now we’ll still be sipping our Assam, eating grilled cheese with apple and pumping our fists to P!nk.

When in doubt, raise your glass for me, and know that you are f*ing perfect.